I had a dream about the addict within me

Last night I had a dream that I saw this house that was decorated with bright colors, strange sculptures. It looked extremely interesting and unique. I wanted to see what it looked like on the inside of the house too. I climbed up the front and was looking in the 2nd story window, hanging on to the strange sculptural additions they put on the outside.

Somehow I ended up inside.

Then I went downstairs and I heard, to my horror, that someone was on the phone in the next room with the door closed, and they had heard me in the house. I began to run for the front door, instantly debating through different senarios of how I could get out of it, what could I say, what excuse could I make? Then I woke up, feeling full of anxiety and fear at what would happen to me, still trying to think of ways to get out of it.

I felt so ashamed at what I had done, so trapped, and so bewildered at how I even ended up inside. Internally I was smacking myself in the head saying, “What could you be thinking going in there like that??”

If only they could see my heart that I wasn’t a thief, and I really didn’t even know how I ended up here inside their house. It just started by looking in the window and somehow I ended up inside. In the dream it was like I never conciously made a choice to go in, I was just inside.

Obviously it was illegal to be in their house. There was nothing I could say. I was in the wrong and there was nothing I could do about it. But how I wished somehow I could explain that it wasn’t my intention, that I’m just a normal guy who never breaks and enters houses, who has never stolen and it was never my intention to be there. But there I was, the facts spoke for themselves and my true heart could never be truly known.

I thought, maybe if I run out the front door really quick, close the door behind me, then knock on the door like I was just coming up the porch? Or maybe I could run fast enough to get away before I would get caught? But I knew those things wouldn’t work. I’m stuck.

I had another dream with a similar theme that I can’t remember clearly, where I was caught in my business supposedly doing something illegal or dishonorable that I never meant to do but there was no way out of it.

Ever felt like this about your sexual addiction?

This is totally how I feel about disclosing my sexual addiction to my wife and others I care about. The facts speak for themselves. There is no excuse. No way out. No explanation that could possibly make it better. But how I long for my true heart to be known. How I long to be understood, that I never meant for it to go this far, that in my heart I’m not the type of person who would hurt his wife in this way, who would have an appetite for such sexual things. I’m not the type of person, in my true heart, to be a voyueristic stalker, sexually selfish, unfaithful to my wife, desiring twisted sexual things, objectifying women. I’m not this type of person. How did I get to this place? I’m longing for my true heart to be known. But my true heart is dwarfed and obscured by the shocking reality of the addict within me. He is loud. He is crass. He is fighting to possess my life and he doesn’t care.

The only thing to do is surrender. It is a power stronger than I can control. Surrender to the power of God, the one who can restore my life. The one that can bring me into true freedom.

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9 thoughts on “I had a dream about the addict within me”

  1. Yeah, I can relate. Not too long ago I had a dream where I made a move on a woman from work, only for her to turn to her husband like a daughter turning to her father, in tears.

    I felt ‘busted’ and embarrased. I woke up feeling terrible and wanting to prove myself.I didn’t like what I saw. I believe God wanted to show me where my heart was.

    I need to surrender my thinking that I’m the ‘other, younger, Cabana boy – guy’ who can fullfill their fantasy.

    I’m sorry Lord. Please continue to change my heart and thoughts. Help me to love my wife MORE. – In Jesus name.

  2. The thing is, you DO love your wife. The duality of your inner self is one of the most maddening things about addiction. Part of you absolutely loves your wife and would die for her, but then another part takes over that is totally selfish and doesn’t care about anything but the high.

  3. The description of the dream is a good parallel to sex addiction. We consistently tell ourselves that just a little internet surfing, killing some time in the chat room, a few glances at pool side, or flirting at the bar, etc (name yours) will not be harmful it just is what it is. We then find ourselves trapped in a sinful cycle. It is just another deceitful tactic that satan uses against us. We have been fed the same lie numerous times, but it still manages to make us fall. After the cycle completes itself and we fall back down to reality we come to realize how disgusting our actions are and how they DO NOT reflect our character. In other words, sounds like breaking into a house to “check out the decor” and then not realizing the predicament we have created for ourselves.

    Ok, I’ll shed the editorial we for now. I’m relatively new to this blog and blogesphere in general. Anyhow, I’ve come to the point where I have realized that my issues are serious and problematic. If I don’t do something about it now only Lord knows where it will need and that to me is a very SCARY thought! I’m not married and my sin is not necessarily outwardly manifested. It is however interfering with my life and my walk with Christ to a serious degree. I will spend hours at a time on the computer “self-medicating.” I’ll spare the long details for now, but I need to crack this. Any words of advice or encouragement are appreciated. I have been determined to break this habitual sin many times in the past, but it almost seems that the problem becomes exacerbated as I focus on achieving victory.

  4. just stumbled upon your blog. wife of a newly “recovering s.a.” here. just wanted to say that reading your blog is very interesting.

  5. dear anonymous of newly recovering s.a… good to have you here. I know you’ve been through a lot of pain from this addiction. Keep praying for your husband, if he sticks to his recovery he will make real progress and your marriage will be deeper than ever. If you ever need any help, feel free to leave a comment here for my wife, I’ll have her email you.

  6. I’m not sure if this is the right place to leave this question since I am new to this site.

    I found out a few years ago that my husband was addicted to porn and I’ve been through all the phases I have read about. Now afetr being seperated for over a year, not just because of the sexual addiction to porn, but many other problems within our marriage, I have a lot of questions about where to go from here.

    We have started dating again about once every week to two weeks. I understand his situation and have decided it would work out best for me if I date him as a friend. My reasoning for that is I am able to focus more on him as a person I love, rather than my husband and the various intimacies that were shattered due to his financial compulsions, anger, lies,and the intimacy that he is unable to give. When we date, he is the one who wants to hold my hand, and rarely gives me a quick kiss, but recently he made it clear he does not want a physical relationship because of his heart. I am very attractive and he says this, but i am confused if it is because he is satisfied with his pictures, or is truly afraid of the intimacy since we both hurt each other.

    I am confused, because I feel the worlds psychology says one thing, and Christian psychology websites another. I want to love this man and be there for him, but I am afraid it will never go anywhere, unless he gets help. Although I know I can’t change him, I do have hopes of him changing, I will admit that, but I don’t see that he is addressing his addiction in any form, and he is a counselor. He knows what to do.

    I want to give him support in the meantime, but it is hard untieing the fact that we are still legally married and I can’t go out with anyone else if I wanted to, or have sex with him if I dared to. I even wonder if he has an STD although he swears he has never been with anyone, I don’t know if I believe that.

    Had I the money, I would have filed for divorce a long time ago. I have put a lot in Gods hands, but i believe that at this point I need to support my husband, but I still am very attracted to him physically and I find it difficult at times to guard myself and my heart. He says he is not talking to anyone or seeing anyone and no one else has his heart and why can’t I see that. I don’t know if we are going anywhere, and I can’t, despite whatever he may be lieing about. He seems to want to control (as the worlds psychology puts it) the relationship level, or needs time and understanding (as Christian sites put it).

    In the meantime, I feel stuck. I understand his anger level because of his issues and I have boundaries I have set, also I am afraid of being taken for a fool and continuing in a relationship that may be just to keep him from being lonely. I just don’t understand how men think and feel who are in this situation.

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