Fear of Abandonment

When we are abandoned as children it produces deep insecurity. deep down, we can carry the shame of those abandonment events.
we carry these to our current day, and it produces these affects in us:
-we panic at the slightest inkling of conflict or rejection
-we don’t stick with relationships, if conflict appears, we leave before we can be abandoned.
-we are attracted to sexual experiences that are impersonal and unreal (stalking, porn, voyerism, prostitutes, anonymous sex)
-we overly depend on people who we let get close somehow (hypersensitive, demand that they are always there for us, can’t forgive them if they hurt us because we are dependent on them to survive emotionally)
-trying to control people close to us, keep them from leaving or doing anything that might threaten (manipulation, force, obsessive jealousy)
and probably the biggest
-we do not trust people or let people in
-we avoid intimacy (for fear that people will leave us)
examples of abandonment
-obvious is when a caregiver leaves your life in some way
but also you may not have thought of:
-threats of abandonment as punishment
-emotional withdrawal as punishment
-unresponsive parents to infants cries, hunger, fear
-abusive situations by caregivers (the caring person is gone and an abusive person is in their place)
-death and divorce
-neglect, the lost child
What to do?
-grieve ungrieved losses. I encourage you to talkabout your experiences like this in the breakout groups. talking about it brings a lot of healing. Get counseling for these things. Get theophostic prayer.
-work on your relationship with God, trusting him. Spend time receiving his love in prayer and worship. Reject all messages that he will leave you for some reason or change how he feels about you. He’s unchangable.
-start trusting appropriate, safe, others.
-develop a bigger network of support. This allows people to fail you, not be there for you, hurt you, and you know you have many people who care who aren’t hitting your abandonment button.
-develop a door instead of a brick wall. This means, if someone does something that hurts, the door closes. but later you can open it to them. This is very important in marriage but in all relationships as well.

THE REALITY IS we will be abandoned. others will fail us. So crucial that we grow in our trust of God.
We’ve been talking a lot about what human relationships are supposed to look like, the closeness, trust, daily connection, trusting each other with our burdens, etc..
But the only reason we can do this is because we trust in the Lord ultimately to be the one providing for us through others.

Psalm 27:10 ESV For my father and my mother have forsaken me, but the Lord will take me in.

Being Real

Not being real confirms shame, that your real self is not important or valuable.
Not being real keeps you from being able to grieve and heal from telling your story
Not being real gets you into situations that you really can’t handle, then you act out
Not being real confirms the lifestyle of lies, makes it easier to compromise bigger things when you are used to hiding smaller things.

Ephesians 4:25
Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor, for we are all members of one body.


Often, as addicts, we have lived a life hiding behind masks, a life full of alibis and lies.

Here is a rule of thumb that can help you to be real:

With those who are close to you:

Your deep feelings (past and present)
Your fears (past and present)
Your hurts (past and present)
Your failures (past and present)
Your dreams, hopes, desires, joys (past and present)
What you need
What you want
What you don’t want
What you don’t think you can handle
Saying no when you have a choice

With those you don’t know well

What you need
What you want.
What you don’t want
What you don’t think you can handle
Saying no when you have a choice
General information about your feelings (follow by “I don’t want to talk more about it”)