Category Archives: Sex Addiction Therapy

Fear

-Safety is a basic human need. So crucial that the scripture repeatedly tells us to protect those who are unable to provide for their own safety and survival. It is so core, it gets down to the very core of the value of a human life. I believe God has put a fear response inside us because our life, our survival, is so valuable to him. Even self preservation on a basic spiritual level

Matt 16:26: what good will it be if a man gains the whole world and loses his soul. What can a man give in exchange for his soul?

all the wealth of the world is not more valuable than a single human soul.

Gen 9:6:
whoever sheds the blood of man, by man shall his blood be shed, for in the image of God has God made man.

God connects the value of a single life all the way back to his own image and his own self. In fact, he valued life so greatly that he gave his own to keep ours from being destroyed.

So ultimately, no matter what happens on earth, everyone has a chance to keep their own soul from being trapped in eternal death.

This is a basic human need, the need for safety, self preservation. It is God given, built into each person.

-Fear is the result of a threat to this need on some level. It could be more abstract, in the case of anxiety, inability to ensure safety from rejection, loss, hardship. But the hardest thing about safety threats (even threats to safety from abstract suffering) is a loss of control. Loss of a choice. (I’ll talk about this in a second)

But the fear response is designed to be triggered from threats to our survival. Very powerful, overcomes all other functioning.

One of the best ways to deal with fear is to find ways to remind yourself that you have a choice. (candy bar in pocket, grabbing keys)

extreme examples are where kids are lost in a world of organizing things, to help them feel like they have a choice. and adults lose control of this with all sorts of things (OCD, controlling sexual fantasies, or even just sex fantasy being a place where all relationships are totally in our control, etc..)

Important: GOD’S INTENT IS FOR YOU TO LIVE A LIFE FREE FROM FEAR, A LIFE OF SAFETY. But he does not promise physical safety. He does not promise a life free of suffering.

He only promises his presence. But this is the very thing that we doubt, does God really want to be close to me? Will he really never leave or abandon me? Will he be there, protecting my heart? For me, the fact that he built in a need for safety and self value is a big proof of his heart for me, his care for me. That he doesn’t just humor me, or put up with me, or begrudgingly give to me.

Being Real

Not being real confirms shame, that your real self is not important or valuable.
Not being real keeps you from being able to grieve and heal from telling your story
Not being real gets you into situations that you really can’t handle, then you act out
Not being real confirms the lifestyle of lies, makes it easier to compromise bigger things when you are used to hiding smaller things.

Ephesians 4:25
Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor, for we are all members of one body.

QUESTION IS, HOW CAN WE BE REAL?

Often, as addicts, we have lived a life hiding behind masks, a life full of alibis and lies.

Here is a rule of thumb that can help you to be real:

With those who are close to you:

Your deep feelings (past and present)
Your fears (past and present)
Your hurts (past and present)
Your failures (past and present)
Your dreams, hopes, desires, joys (past and present)
What you need
What you want
What you don’t want
What you don’t think you can handle
Saying no when you have a choice

With those you don’t know well

What you need
What you want.
What you don’t want
What you don’t think you can handle
Saying no when you have a choice
General information about your feelings (follow by “I don’t want to talk more about it”)

Self-Sex Addiction Therapy — What Do You Need Right Now?

I read today in the AA recovery daily reading (24 hours a day):

When we come into A.A., looking for a way out of drinking, we really need a lot more than that. We need fellowship. We need to get the things that are troubling us out into the open…. We need a new strength beyond ourselves that will help us face life instead of running away from it….Have I found the things that I need?

This is so true. We get into recovery because we want to stop our sexual behaviour. But we really need so much more than that. The sexual behavior is just the surface of the issue, the real problems go much deeper.

Focusing on what we need (healthy needs) and seeking healthy ways to get those needs met is a huge part of becoming healthy, as well as moving out of constant relapse into sobreity.

Think about it. What do you need today? Look deeper than the sexual needs. Do you need companionship? Do you need affirmation? Do you need a listening ear? Do you need rest?

If you look, God has provided for you, ways to get these needs met in healthy ways. Reach out. Receive. Grow.